I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
