We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
