just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
