never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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