I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
