Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
No more Irish car bombs ever.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
