it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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