i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
