I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize