he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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