I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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