he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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