the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
