I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
