i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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