My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
