You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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