Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
