do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
