two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
