just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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