why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize