I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
