I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize