We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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