How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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