So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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