please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
