I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
