I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize