I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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