everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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