Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
