I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
