Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
