I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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