Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
