so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
