Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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