I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
