dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
my liver is dry heaving
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
