He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize