I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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