you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
