she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
