Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
