Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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