The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
too bad you live with your parents still
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
