The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
