If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
