i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
