yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
