no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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