I wannas sexs uuuuu
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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