I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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