I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
