I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
