lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Randomize
