Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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