Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
