I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize