I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
